There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
