you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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