Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize