areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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