3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
