I am puke
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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