for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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