You smell like a Billy Joel song
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
