And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
