in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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