I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
