So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I want her autograph on my taint
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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