She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just found puke in my bra..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
