I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
