I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
