i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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