Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
