is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
