Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
