We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
