You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
