remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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