he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize