Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
