Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
