dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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