Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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