I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
