I wish I only lived at night.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
