i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
