I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
