Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
