i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
