you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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