Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
