I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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