did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
its not stalking. its research.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
