I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
