I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
