After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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