Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
