My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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