True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
