Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize