saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
