I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
