Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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