He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Randomize
