Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
