Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
