Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
