Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
