Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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