Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
