i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
