mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
