just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
