i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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