beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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