I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
