She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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