I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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