I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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