So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
