Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
