you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
