My room smells like vodka and shame
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize