I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
