She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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