All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
her vagine was all disorganized.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize